Imposing Religion Upon
A Captive Audience
Ann Murray
Positive Atheism Forum
Imposing Religion Upon
A Captive Audience
Ann Murray
From: "Ann Murray"
To: "Positive Atheism" <editor@positiveatheism.org>
Subject: He has a way of popping up in the oddest places...
Date: Wednesday, August 09, 2000 4:44 PM
Dear Cliff,
I've just been reading a couple of your articles at the site. It started me thinking about the imposition of religion upon the unsuspecting. Some years ago, when my body decided to go fishin' and leave me to my own devices, I found myself in the unpleasant position of having to apply for welfare. Everything about that process is a trauma. Here in PA, I was treated with the utmost respect and courtesy, much to my surprise. Of course, I am well-spoken, white, "respectable" (hah!) and was obviously in trouble. Regardless of the intake worker's kindness, I fell apart totally when I got back home. I felt as though the last vestige of dignity had been stripped from my life for $205.00 per month, which is what I would receive.
I had owned my own business for several years, had been independent, though debt ridden at the end, and was pretty much ground up and digested mentally. I was in a terrible depression. Who wouldn't be? I was in pain constantly, couldn't make the thin edges meet, let alone the ends. The whole thing was grim and terrifying. I was an eighth of an inch away from homelessness.
The saving grace in the situation was the fact I was eligible to apply for Social Security Disability, and since I was almost fifty five at the time, it wasn't going to be as bad as if I were twenty two, let's say. Regardless, the Republicans had been trying to shave any benefits forever, and I was probably looking at a pile of appeals before I finally got the okay (if I got it).
I was frayed, eroded. The slightest crisis that occurred would result in me breaking down. A light bulb burning out would throw me for a loop. At this time, the welfare department assigned a woman named Mary (fictional name) to be my representative and advocate in trying to wrest some money out of the Feds. She and I sort of hit it off. Don't forget,
I'm "respectable." (That was a heavy trip for me. I was raised to be an egalitarian. I knew what was going on, and it was totally distasteful. The "acceptable white woman.") Since Mary and I enjoyed talking to each other, we did so at length on occasion, when she had the time. It was because of this, I wound up telling her how depressed I was, and even told her of my suicidal tendencies, and the fact I'd had the barrel of a gun in my mouth a couple of days prior to this conversation. She got a little alarmed at this news.
Mary was the sort of woman who genuinely wanted to help people. She was in social service because she believed in it, and she was resourceful. She did all she could to find me alternatives to blowing myself away. She dug up various mental health agencies, and made some frantic suggestions. I guess she was more rattled by all this than I. I was just deadened. One day she called me up to see how I was doing, and asked the most amazing question. She wanted to know what religion I was. As a state employee, that was probably a bit on the odd side. Although, I'm so far out of the religion loop, I have no idea what constitutes politically correct behavior in that area.
I felt impaled by the question. I was dumbstruck! What do you say? Then I figured perhaps there was an organization affiliated with a church that might possibly be offering some kind of counseling, so, reluctantly, I said I had no religion. She began to talk to me about that, and finally I just blurted it out. "Mary, I am an atheist." There was a stunned silence. Then came the capper. She said, "Well, when you begin to get some money coming in again, you'll feel better. You'll get your faith back again. You'll go back to believing. You'll come back to god."
I had to say it loud and clear. My atheism was a thing that took me years to digest, to feel comfortable with. It was hard won. It was a battle for me to get there. I left all the security of perpetual reassurance behind me. I took a leap into a void. I filled it with my own knowledge, my own morality, my own decency, my own everything. I was finally where I could actually feel peaceful. I didn't turn away from god because I was in trouble. If I believed in god, I wouldn't have turned away because of misfortune. I'm neither that petulant, nor that shallow, nor that immature.
I never heard from her again. I guess atheists can blow their brains out, and good riddance.
Be well my friend.
Ann Murray
From: "Positive Atheism" <editor@positiveatheism.org>
To: "Ann Murray"
Subject: Re: He has a way of popping up in the oddest places ...
Date: Wednesday, August 09, 2000 5:04 PM
In late 1988 and for most of 1989, I got $248 per month until the Social Security came through, and paid rent and fed myself with that.
I did well, and consider myself fortunate that my country would take care of me when I became unable to compete in the job market. Before that, from May of 1985 on, I had lived on the streets, with a few momentary reprieves in the form of a check from Mom, etc., to get a little single-room occupancy for a few weeks. If I were religious, I'd thank God for this little check.
I became so strict with my money (quitting smoking, etc.) that I had saved up over $1,000 behind this income. From about March of 1989 for about two years, I lived in a little single-room nothing of a studio. The manager was very helpful, doing my laundry for a dollar a load, and when my Social Security Disability came through, I got a kitten, who I named "Baby," who is still with me today. She's been there for me when everyone else bolted.
Before I lived here, I was sleeping under a bridge in outer East Portland during the coldest winter anybody alive can remember for the NorthWest. I did this because I was too disoriented to go through the process of finding a place -- even though I had almost a grand -- cash -- in my pocket. I went to an agency and asked them to help me. The worker said they had no more funds to get me a place, so I whipped out that wad of cash and explained that all I wanted was her to find me a place.
The only imposition I experienced was in the form of the mandatory Twelve Step participation, which was rewarded by all the agencies. I can just imagine where I'd be had I not cooperated with the Program. Those who participate can expect many, many perks when trying to rebuild their lives -- to the point where even a never-addicted person could gain from feigning a drug problem.
Cliff Walker
"Positive Atheism" Magazine
From: "Ann Murray"
To: "Positive Atheism" <editor@positiveatheism.org>
Subject: Re: He has a way of popping up in the oddest places ...
Date: Wednesday, August 09, 2000 5:31 PM
Gee. Ain't it wonderful. They really want us to live. I don't know if that letter is interesting enough to put in the letter section. You decide. Sorry I've had trouble sending it through the normal means at your site. I just find it still, after so much time, terribly offensive to have had god fed to me under those inappropriate circumstances. I mean, it was a state office. I really felt invaded by that. You know? It seems there's no reason in their minds to keep religion to themselves as a private thing. The woman was well intended, I know that, but what gets to me is her dropping me the way she did. It didn't matter then. I was so gone, nothing mattered. It's over now. You and I are both surviving. We may not be flourishing, but we're here, and tomorrow is another day. Maybe a great one. Who knows? But back then, suppose I ate the gun that night instead? Really ate it. Wasn't I worthwhile? (because I stated my case and feelings so succinctly, and I did that).
I have a little check for you. It's really little. I wish it was more. Someone is coming here tomorrow. She'll mail it for me. I can't deal with the stairs tonight, and the car, etc. Should be there in a couple of days. Buy something nice to eat. On me.
A.M.
From: "Positive Atheism" <editor@positiveatheism.org>
To: "Ann Murray"
Subject: Re: He has a way of popping up in the oddest places...
Date: Wednesday, August 09, 2000 6:05 PM
With "Faith-Based Partnerships" being the sacred-cow plan for both Presidential tickets, this is one of the more appropriate letters we've received all month. In fact, I'm going to drop everything and post it with these follow-ups, and then send a link to Conrad Goeringer of American Atheists.
The point is this: If we cannot prevent this from happening in secular providers, how do they expect to prevent it when the evangelists are administering our welfare resources?
But, by the time I made it onto welfare (and eventually disability), I had freed myself of superstition altogether, stood up for my atheism by refusing a court order to attend Twelve Step meetings (which resulted in my serving 24 days in jail). With this, with my rediscovered atheism ("the faith of my fathers," as Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. describes it), I was ready to live life to the fullest. Though my depressive disorder produces suicidal ideations almost daily, my experience with Albert Ellis's Rational Emotive Therapy and Jack Trimpey's Addictive Voice Recognition Technique has enabled me to "place" the ideation as a hallucination at best and as a primordial "It" part of the brain at worst. I experience them, but they are not real.
So, I had only hope during these times. I did quite well. That $250 combined with my new outlook made the difference between me being able to survive and me going ahead and committing slow suicide.
Cliff Walker
"Positive Atheism" Magazine
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