Talking To Myself:
No One On The Other End
I had my own De-Conversion process over the last few years.
I was raised a Catholic. I went to a Catholic High School. During college I got away from going to church and practicing my religion but I eventually came back when I had children.
I was on our Parish Council and was the head of Parish council for three years. I made a lot of changes which I though were for the better. A new priest came on board and I couldn't stand him so I left that church for another one. But it made me really think about the Catholic Church.
One day, I was praying and suddenly it struck me that I was talking to myself. There was no one on the other end. It was really strange and I was really upset for a long time. My faith had suddenly vanished into thin air. None of the Catholic Dogma made logical sense anymore. I was scared.
Since I had a wife and three kids with who I spend a lot of time indoctrinating into the Catholic Church, I didn't say anything about my experience. Finally, my wife picked up on it and I told her what happened.
I didn't really do much about it for a couple of years. My kids still go to Catholic Schools and my wife takes my kids to church. I am sure my kids have picked up on my changes but we don't talk about it. My kids are 17, 14, and 12. I don't know how they would react if I told them that I don't believe in the Catholic God anymore. Most of our friends are Catholic also because our world revolved around the Catholic Religion.
My wife and I have had many talks on my de-conversion and she listens to me but she is too afraid to make any changes. I also do not know how to approach my kids with this. I tell myself that the Catholic Religion won't hurt them. It is like believing in Santa Claus. But the more I delve into Atheism and Agnosticism, the more I want to talk about this. I am starting to see the point of the hurtfulness of religions in general. I am spending a lot of extra money on private schools. I like the smallness of the private schools and their grades are excellent. I wouldn't pull my daughter because she will be a senior next year and is well implanted but I might pull my other two who are in ninth grade and seventh grade. I am not sure how my wife would respond. All her friends are from the Catholic High School and Grade School.
I also work at a privately held company that is supposedly very Christian. I see how they use that Christianity to do what they want to do all of the time but if they found out that I have become an atheistic agnostic, I am sure that I would be out the door. Most of my co-workers are fundamental Christians. I live in central Pennsylvania which is full of fundamentalists, Amish, Mennonite, etc.
I feel kind of stuck.
I do know that my change in beliefs has helped me to open my eyes in ways that I would not have imagined. I feel like a kinder person. I am not as hard on myself as I was before. I don't question everything I do. I like myself a lot more.
These are things that I could not get across to someone who is a believer.
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