Homer Simpson
Fictitious character

Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?
-- Homer Simpson

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
-- Homer Simpson

You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work in real life -- uh, Christianity.
-- Homer Simpson, telling what religion the family belongs to

You're everywhere. You're omnivorous.
-- Homer Simpson, Homer's attitude to God

No offence Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you musta been out taking a whizz.
-- Homer Simpson, to store proprietor and Hindu, Apu Nahaasapeemapetilon

Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies, and kids with fake IDs.
-- Homer Simpson

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
-- Homer Simpson

"Phfft! Facts. You can use them to prove anything.
-- Homer Simpson

Operator, give me the number for nine-one-one!
-- Homer Simpson

It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won!
-- Homer Simpson

Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
-- Homer Simpson

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
-- Homer Simpson

In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
-- Homer Simpson

You don't win friends with salad.
-- Homer Simpson

You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.
-- Homer Simpson

Trying is the first step towards failure.
-- Homer Simpson

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
-- Homer Simpson

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
-- Homer Simpson

If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
-- Homer Simpson

To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems!
-- Homer Simpson

I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
-- Homer Simpson

I want to share something with you -- the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss." Number three, "It was like that when I got here."
-- Homer Simpson

Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
-- Homer Simpson

Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my speciality. "Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
-- Homer Simpson

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get!
-- Homer Simpson

They have the Internet on computers now?
-- Homer Simpson

Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
-- Homer Simpson

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
-- Homer Simpson

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like -- love!
-- Homer Simpson

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
-- Homer Simpson

Do I know what rhetorical means?
-- Homer Simpson

Is there nothing doughnuts can't do?
-- Homer Simpson

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.
-- Homer Simpson

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
-- Homer Simpson

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?
-- Homer Simpson

Television -- teacher, mother, secret lover!
-- Homer Simpson

Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."
-- Homer Simpson

We paid for all this stuff ourselves -- so thanks for nothing!
-- Bart, praying (thanks to Frank for sending us this one!)

Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders

Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.
-- Homer Simpson

The Subtle Fulmination of the Encircled Sea

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