Homer Simpson
Fictitious character

Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?
-- Homer Simpson

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
-- Homer Simpson

You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work in real life -- uh, Christianity.
-- Homer Simpson, telling what religion the family belongs to

You're everywhere. You're omnivorous.
-- Homer Simpson, Homer's attitude to God

You make people miserable and there's nothing they can do about it, just like god.

No offence Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you musta been out taking a whizz.
-- Homer Simpson, to store proprietor and Hindu, Apu Nahaasapeemapetilon

Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies, and kids with fake IDs.
-- Homer Simpson

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
-- Homer Simpson

"Phfft! Facts. You can use them to prove anything.
-- Homer Simpson

Operator, give me the number for nine-one-one!
-- Homer Simpson

It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won!
-- Homer Simpson

Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
-- Homer Simpson

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
-- Homer Simpson

In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!
-- Homer Simpson

You don't win friends with salad.
-- Homer Simpson

You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.
-- Homer Simpson

Trying is the first step towards failure.
-- Homer Simpson

You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
-- Homer Simpson

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
-- Homer Simpson

If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
-- Homer Simpson

To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems!
-- Homer Simpson

I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
-- Homer Simpson

I want to share something with you -- the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss." Number three, "It was like that when I got here."
-- Homer Simpson

Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
-- Homer Simpson

Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my speciality. "Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
-- Homer Simpson

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get!
-- Homer Simpson

They have the Internet on computers now?
-- Homer Simpson

Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
-- Homer Simpson

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
-- Homer Simpson

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like -- love!
-- Homer Simpson

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
-- Homer Simpson

Do I know what rhetorical means?
-- Homer Simpson

Is there nothing doughnuts can't do?
-- Homer Simpson

Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.
-- Homer Simpson

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
-- Homer Simpson

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?
-- Homer Simpson

Television -- teacher, mother, secret lover!
-- Homer Simpson

Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."
-- Homer Simpson

We paid for all this stuff ourselves -- so thanks for nothing!
-- Bart, praying (thanks to Frank for sending us this one!)

Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends. There are some things we don't want to know. Important things.
-- Ned Flanders

Once something's been approved by the government, it's no longer immoral.
-- The Rev Lovejoy

Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.
-- Homer Simpson

The Subtle Fulmination of the Encircled Sea

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