Spiritual Guide
to Gracious Living
by the late Glenn Carver
(Copyright ©1992, 1998, United States Atheists : used with permission : all rights reserved)

CULINARY DEPARTMENT

"...Hath he not sent me to the men that sit upon the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?" --Isaiah 36:12; also in II Kings 18:27.

The lord commanded: "And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight." --Ezekiel 4:12.

"And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat." --Levitcus 26:29.

"And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons, and of thy daughters which the LORD thy god hath given thee..." --Deuteronomy 28:53.

"So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son." --2 Kings 6:29.

JUSTICE

"When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets; then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her." --Deuteronomy 25:11-12.

"He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD." --Deuteronomy 23:1.

"...the hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction; and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods (piles) in their secret parts." --1 Samuel 5:9.

The lord was appeased, however, after the men had made golden images of their emerods (piles). --1 Samuel 6:4.

HYGIENE

The lord promised: "Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall..." --1 Kings 14:10. (This unsanitary practice caused some serious erosion of the mud walls).

SLAPSTICK COMEDY

The lord threatened his children: "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces." --Malachi 2:3.

SPORT

"Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones." --Psalms 137:9.

"And he (David) brought out the people that were in it and cut them with saws, and with harrows of iron, and with axes. Even so dealt David with all the cities of the children of Ammon." --1 Chronicles 20:3.

"And he (David) brought forth the people that were therein, and put them under saws and under harrows of iron, and under axes of iron, and made them pass through the brick-kiln." --2 Samuel 12:31.

GRAND OPERA

"Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kir-haresh." --Isaiah 16:11.

SELF IMPROVEMENT

"...(become) eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake." --Matthew 19:12. (Origen, Paul and other early Christians faithfully carried out this divine injunction.)

"Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee: cut them off, and cast them from thee." --Matthew 18:8.

BURLESQUE

God said to Moses: "And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen." --Exodus 33:23.

LOVE AND MARRIAGE

"Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt. For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses." -- Ezekial 23:19-20.

"...so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and that they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning..."(She died) --Judges 19:25.

King Saul asked 100 foreskins in return for his daughter in marriage. David zealously pared off 200 Philistine prepuces to win his bride. --I Samuel 19:25-27.

"And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto they brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother." --Genesis 38:8-9.

BEDTIME STORIES

The men of Sodom wanted to bugger two angels abiding with Lot. Lot said, "Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known a man; let me, I pray you, bring them unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes." --Genesis 19:8.

But the Sodomites preferred male angels. The Lot family escaped; Mrs. Lot looked back, became a pillar of salt; father Lot and daughters fled to a cave, at which time the elder daughter proposed: "Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father." --Genesis 19:32.

"Thus were both daughters of Lot with child by their father." --Genesis 19:36.

Moses told his soldiers: "Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." --Numbers 31:17-18.

FULFILLED PROMISES

Christ demanded: "But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me." --Luke 19:27.

Christ announced: "Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword." --Matthew 10:34.

"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live." --Exodus 22:18. Thanks to the vigilance of good Christians, witches were killed in great numbers before the year 1712.

In this "sacred" book of family scandals we find filth, sex orgies, cannibalism, atrocities, sex perversions, incest, bloody violence unparalleled in any other chronicle in all the literature of the world. Fortunately, not one-third of the human family has ever heard of the Christian Bible; not one-tenth of the Christians have ever read it, and no two who have read it agree as to its meaning. Won't you help get this book out of the hands of our children, out of decent homes, and out of hotel and motel rooms?
           --Frank C. Hughes

The human race has suffered for centuries and is still suffering from the mental disorder known as religion, and atheism is the only physician that will be able to effect a permanent cure.
          --Joseph Lewis

©1992 Center for Rational Thought
Not rightfully copyrighted by American Atheists

Graphic Rule

Some copies of this work are called
'Kissing Hank's Ass'
but this is the title Huber asked us to use

John and Mary Pay a Visit
by Jim Huber
"When feasible, I prefer to eat the rude"

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

"Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss his ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, he'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, he'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropists. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do what ever wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can't until you kiss his ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has he given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money and he kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think he'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass he'll kick the shit of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss his ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow him a kiss, and think of his ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss his ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl's got a letter Hank sent him years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for your self."

John handed me a photocopy of a handwritten memo on "From the desk of Karl" letterhead. There were eleven items listed:

Me: "This would appear to be written on Karl's Letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago he would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't Drink,' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from outer of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic. That's no different than saying 'Hank's right because he says he's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking!"

Me: "But... oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary blushes. John says: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary looks positively stricken. John shouts: "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary sticks her fingers in her ears: "I am not listening to this. La la la la la la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary faints. John catches her: "Well, if I'd known you where one of those, I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you, I'll be there counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

Ketchup anyone? :)

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(used with permission)

Graphic Rule